I'm a grown-ass woman. Most days, however, I feel just as silly and inexperienced about life as I did when I was a teenager. I still feel young in spirit, but my body constantly reminds me of my limits. I'm sick. I'm this-might-be-permanent-for-the-rest-of-my-life sick. Aging isn't helping anything either. So for the first time, I'm dealing with "can't." This type of can't isn't to be confused with "won't." This can't is the real deal. I can't always accomplish what I want, or sometimes when I'm lucky, I can meet meet a small goal after a long, looooooong, ridiculous amount of time. I try really hard to start things early because I know I'll be late getting it done (I'll probably still be spring cleaning in December). But normal tasks are beginning to seem impossible. Sometimes communication becomes fuzzy, and my ideas are jagged instead of smooth. My goals want to fly out the window.
I had a day where I was pinned to the bed today, and really all weekend was problematic. It sucks. When I get in this shape, I begin to think of all the things I don't deserve because of my burden. I don't want my burden to become someone else's burden. All my "can't"s pile up on my head. I have a quick little pity party. Today I hit a serious low, but something inside drives me to keep trying. I wish I knew what it was because I'd use the fuck out of it every day to pep things up. If only I could bottle it and drink it!
I thought about how, in the movies, this is the point where the heroine finds a way to persevere. This is where her wit kicks in. This is where she busts ass and comes out on top. I'm gonna do that. Well, I want so badly to do that. I want people to see me & say, "I can't believe she made it." I just have no fucking clue where to begin. So for now, I'm trying not to panic. I'm cleaning the house, I'm cleaning my diet, I'm cleaning my attitude. I'm doing breathing exercises for Christ's sake. I'm making room in my schedule for rest. I'm preparing myself to work really hard through some tough shit. And this is the year I win my life back. Because I say so. Because that one undefinable something inside me is impervious to disease and heartbreak. Because my spirit won't let me give up. And for that one undefinable thing that lights up my spirit, I am eternally grateful and able to keep on hoping. Go Team Me!
I know I have the strength to overcome adversity, even though it's sometimes hard to find. I really hope I'll be able to hold on to it. I can't let my "can't"s win. Reality is a bitch. But every bitch has a soft spot somewhere. I'm about to get all up in that. I guess it's just harder when you aren't sure what exactly you're up against.
Wanted You More - Lady Antebellum
Numb - Alanis Morisette
Kicking ass whilst taking periodic naps.