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I've had a strange new year. While I had planned to jump to action quickly and with tenacious determination, I ended up bringing in the new year like a weak fart. And I'm not particularly a fan of flatulence. I had a flare up of my disease. I should have seen it coming as I ran myself insane trying to get Christmas together for my son and the rest of my family, but I thought this time I was going to be "stronger," as if I could will myself into some sort of Thor-like state of physical power and control. Not so much. But I have learned a few things about myself through this:

1) I AM strong. I have the mental acuity to talk myself through disaster. While I was mostly immobile, drugged up (the legal kind), and in the nearly constant presence of my mother, I neither died nor killed anyone. That's damn near a miracle.

2) I'll never be perfect. Eh, everyone else probably already knew this. I'm just figuring it out. I mean, I'm just now allowing myself to accept this truth. But even though I sometimes feel as though I'm "behind in life," I'm not as old as I feel, I'm not as stupid as I fear, and I've got plenty of time and mistakes left to make, but I have enough wisdom not to fuck absolutely everything up. Everything's gonna be fine.

3) I have choices. My family is kind of ridiculous, and I have the right to choose, um, irridiculousness? Yeah, I made up that word.

4) I shouldn't be scared or envious. There is enough love and happiness and success in the world for everyone to have a piece. Through self-examination and considering the differences between the person I am and the person I want to be, I can see a little more of the "big picture," as they say. I want to become more of a cheerleader for others and less of a selfish machine.

5) I am more open-minded and wisdomous (a Joey word from "Friends") than I thought. Everyone is a little naive for a little while. Experience and understanding is a choice.

So while 2013 started out as a dangerous and slippery and even disappointing miniature journey for me, I feel like I am right where I need to be. I feel calm, at least for the moment. This must be what they call "peace of mind." I have always felt like I had a group of tiny maniacs running through my head, panicking and shouting conflicting directions, like a high-rise on fire. I have had to learn, and continue to learn, that I only have to figure out which of the shouting voices is really mine. My mother's and father's voices, the heroin-chic models sending messages from behind images in all my magazines, my Facebook friends who post photos of themselves in their mini-mansions, the local gals who believe that either Jesus or deer-hunting season rules all, none of these things can influence me if I don't want them to. So the dangerous place I thought I was living in was just temporary. I chose to learn instead of fester. I'm proud of myself for that choice. The other option would have been easier. Maybe I really am a grown-up.

Thanks for reading.

Listening to:
Mystikal - "Danger"
Churchill - "Change"

I'm so buying a Mac after this heart attack Windows just gave me.

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