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Working too Hard Can Give You a Heart Attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack

Took a little ride in the ambulance. My 6-yr-old son had to ride along, which he thought was pretty cool. It was half-past midnight & I feared I was having a heart attack. I wasn't. But I was having another attack of my disease. A week later, it put me on the ground & forced some embarrassing noises out of my mouth, involuntarily, of course. Part of me believes that the docs will eventually fix this "thing" that's happening to me. That part of me is in denial. And I suddenly realized I think of much of my life in "completes": I'll complete my job, I'll complete my wardrobe, I'll complete friendships, I'll complete housework, I'll complete my marriage, I'll complete this disease. I see everything in terms of deadlines and endings, and I don't know why. The only way to be finished is to be dead. Life is a dynamic organic tango where the music never stops until the dance is all the way over. And all I worry about is when I'll be completed with things and with people and with pain. Maybe it's because I'm so desperate for rest, for a new well of hope, and this disease is keeping those things away from me. I feel like if I can complete this shitty test I'm forced to endure, I can start fresh. But instead I shuffle through life like a zombie. I'd like that to end. This weekend I was hoping to win the lottery so that I can afford a chef and a housekeeper and a personal doctor and a freaking vacation from my life. I don't have the courage to check my numbers. And I know all the cash in the world can't make this go away. So, I don't know. I guess I'll keep waiting for a magic idea, waiting to feel like I deserve better. Jesus, I'm sick of being a bummer. I'll go look for some chocolate.


Mood: Feverish

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    Response: MLM Scams
    - DirtyFlowerGirl - Working too Hard Can Give You a Heart Attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
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    - DirtyFlowerGirl - Working too Hard Can Give You a Heart Attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack
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    Response: TheHoopsReport
    The business which makes the leaf blower is really a symbol of how well it will work.

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