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Wednesday
Jan152014

19th Nervous Breakdown

When blogging, I feel so awkward. I strive to be honest, but I also sterilize my feelings sometimes & then it all comes out sounding hokey-dokey. I guess I do this so I won't sound like a trashy or insane person. I don't think I'm either of those things, but I also think I'm a little too edgy for my hometown, so I've learned to hide a little bit, which feels like lying, which brings guilt, which then becomes anger and resentment. So I stay quiet instead. I'm still working on myself. It's hard to be responsible and honest and civilized and cool all at the same time. Once again I pledge to blog more & try to be honest and real and less of a wanker.

So I'll start with this: 2013 sucked. If I could speak directly to 2013, I'd say, "Farewell, 2013! Fuck your mother!" I wanted & tried so desperately for it to be a good year, but it was horrific. It was a year of loss, and not just loss, but the beginning of a long string of losses, the consequences of which I'm still dealing with. I still have all my body parts intact, so yay that, but I'm experiencing a ton of anxiety. It's almost at a level of shutting me down, but I want to try to use it to express myself. I'm not sure how that might work yet.

This evening I began working on a piece of writing without knowing where it was going. It's raw and un-edited, and I should be ashamed of myself, and I would normally never share it. Well, fuck it. As Calhoun Tubbs would say, "Like to hear it? Here it go":

~Amnesia~

The truth is
I can't remember when I last brushed my teeth or washed my hair
So I do it again
And again
Or was that yesterday?
I'm not sure
You see, I sometimes forget things.
I can't tell which day it is now or if it's night.
So I do it again
So no one will find me disgusting.
So no one will tell me to wait
"I love you. Wait for me. I'll be right there."
So no one will leave me.
Again.
I must have been so disgusting.

All I can think about are ways to be less disgusting.
Ways to be better. But there are too many things to consider
There are too many things beyond my grasp.
And so I forget things.

I forget everything.
I forgot where I was supposed to be.
I forgot where you told me to wait.

Now I am a map-less stow-away on a kamikaze
with a lost target
Looping around your old photograph.
I only wanted to find you.
Wanted to get to you. Quietly.
Not to disrupt you. Not to rush you.
Trying to figure out what was taking you so long.
You, you told me to wait.
I always gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I always do what I'm told.
I always get confused by the love.
There is too much to consider.
So I forget things.

I made a bad choice.
There's going to be a crash.
There's Catastrophe in the mirror
I look so disgusting.
I can't tell how far away ground zero lies.
But I know it's over
And in my panic I tend to forget things.
And so I can't remember if I've brushed my teeth, you understand.

When they find my body in the wreckage
They'll shake their heads.
They must think I'm so disgusting.

~

Thanks for reading. And for the record, I think I brushed my teeth four times today.


-------------------------------------------

 

Mood:
"Tired than a motherfucker."

 

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