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Wednesday
May072014

The Eye of the Tiger

The reason I don't like places where wild animals are held captive is this: humans are a mediocre lot. They do as little as possible with rare exception, in my opinion. While some have legitimate reasons for being half-assers, plenty are just lazy, and some are just not that bright. I'm reminded of the George Carlin quote that goes something like this: "Think about how stupid the average person is, and realize, half of them are stupider than that!" And there's the more recent Ron White sentiment, "You can't fix stupid." Not to suggest I'm some sort of genius -- more than once I've paused my car at a stop sign & waited for it to turn green-- but I am responsible. I do my job well & when I'm unable to perform what's expected of me, I let people know. Stupid people are, by definition, largely irresponsible. So what does all this mean? We human beings are a bunch of lazy, stupid, irresponsible lumps of flesh, and looking at the bell curve, nearly half of us are destined to fill the role of "less than average." ...Which brings me back to my original point.

I believe that people who are animal lovers and choose to work in an animal-related field are generally sharp and well-trained. Generally. A relationship develops between a trainer and animal that's not terribly unlike a bond between mother and child. Generally. But even mothers sometimes abuse their children and children kill their parents with a butcher knife. A person working with animals must be smart, patient, and responsible. See my earlier "statistics" on the amount of people embodying all those traits.

And it's not just animal people who must be constantly on top of their jobs: there's medical professionals, pilots/drivers, chefs/cooks, and tons of other people whose job puts them in a position to kill other people if they are not smart and responsible. So again, the number of people capable of attention to detail and job excellence is a paltry one. Add in my personal trust issues installed by my dad which border on paranoia (random personal fact), and, to quote something I'm sure Samuel L. Jackson has said at some point, "I don't trust you motherfuckers."

So when my son's school announced a field trip to the zoo, I had to go refill my Xanax prescription. There is, statistically, certain to be some idiots working at the zoo, and there is, statistically, certain to be some dumb-ass kids who have been raised by dumb-ass parents attending this field trip. Will everything go smoothly? Probably. But "probably" isn't 100%.

It's probable that we won't all die in a bloody mauling before someone wakes up at their zoo-attendant post and tranquilizes the lion whose cage was left unlocked by Joey the maintenance intern. It's probable that my kid won't be shoved into a cage by a little rat-bastard first-grader. It's probable that the bus driver in charge of transporting my son doesn't have such a shitty life that he gets high before buttoning up that generic uniform and subjecting himself to relentless abuse by young children who probably could benefit society by being caged up themselves. And it's probable that no one involved in this stupid zoo transaction-- from teachers to parents to bus drivers to other drivers to zoo employees -- will go batshit crazy & start shooting at me or my child. But it's not guaranteed.

And since, statistically, we'll be surrounded by a bunch of intellectually-challenged, irresponsible, and zero-ambitioned people, I have little faith in this system. I am imagining the best way to position myself should I have to shoot a tiger, and how to smuggle a gun inside without causing another tragedy of some sort, and how to find the secret website where I can order a protective energy field for me and my husband & kid who will all be attending this death fest.

Or maybe I just shouldn't have sent in the $6 with a permission slip that said, "yes."

Don't even get me started on my son's request to attend the circus.
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Mood: What the fuck does my neighbor mow and weed-eat every friggin' morning?

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