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Monday
Oct302017

You've Finally Found The Place Where You Belong With Teeth, With Teeth, With Teeth...

 

In 2018, I will have a significant birthday. The kind of birthday that makes me acknowledge my youth (what's left of it), my life experience, and my mortality. The kind of birthday that makes me want to say, "Fuck it. Fuck all of it. I do what I want" (insert cat giving two middle fingers meme -- even though I'm allergic to cats). I've spent too much time trying to blend in when I'm clearly a sore thumb with glitter and brooding resentment. I make no sense, yet here I am, existing and dying and searching for something that I felt I didn't have permission to find. I'm an easygoing person, but I also have this weighty dark cloud; it's weird how sunshine and shadows work together. I have so much to say, and I often choke standing in front of the microphone. So from this moment on, I honor the conflicting textures of who I am. I'm a princess asshole. And I'm cool with that. I want to make a difference in the world, but I also want to be left alone. 

I think I'm a tad depressed, especially when Fall and Winter roll around. The counselor I see for anxiety has me on Prozac, which helps, but I think it's an environmental issue to a degree. I need to find my place, which I haven't. 

I'm bored out of my mind. 

I'm ill with some sort of autoimmune disease they believe to be Lyme disease. Good times.

I have this terrible sense of duty to others that I don't feel for my own body. I'm working that out. It's getting better with age. 

I just want to have fun and make connections and retreat and laugh and dance and make art and eat expensive vegetables and drive around listening to music. 

I don't know what else I want.

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