Wednesday
Apr242013

They Call Me Mellow Yellow

I'm a grown-ass woman. Most days, however, I feel just as silly and inexperienced about life as I did when I was a teenager. I still feel young in spirit, but my body constantly reminds me of my limits. I'm sick. I'm this-might-be-permanent-for-the-rest-of-my-life sick. Aging isn't helping anything either. So for the first time, I'm dealing with "can't." This type of can't isn't to be confused with "won't." This can't is the real deal. I can't always accomplish what I want, or sometimes when I'm lucky, I can meet meet a small goal after a long, looooooong, ridiculous amount of time. I try really hard to start things early because I know I'll be late getting it done (I'll probably still be spring cleaning in December). But normal tasks are beginning to seem impossible. Sometimes communication becomes fuzzy, and my ideas are jagged instead of smooth. My goals want to fly out the window.

I had a day where I was pinned to the bed today, and really all weekend was problematic. It sucks. When I get in this shape, I begin to think of all the things I don't deserve because of my burden. I don't want my burden to become someone else's burden. All my "can't"s pile up on my head. I have a quick little pity party. Today I hit a serious low, but something inside drives me to keep trying. I wish I knew what it was because I'd use the fuck out of it every day to pep things up. If only I could bottle it and drink it!

I thought about how, in the movies, this is the point where the heroine finds a way to persevere. This is where her wit kicks in. This is where she busts ass and comes out on top. I'm gonna do that. Well, I want so badly to do that. I want people to see me & say, "I can't believe she made it." I just have no fucking clue where to begin. So for now, I'm trying not to panic. I'm cleaning the house, I'm cleaning my diet, I'm cleaning my attitude. I'm doing breathing exercises for Christ's sake. I'm making room in my schedule for rest. I'm preparing myself to work really hard through some tough shit. And this is the year I win my life back. Because I say so. Because that one undefinable something inside me is impervious to disease and heartbreak. Because my spirit won't let me give up. And for that one undefinable thing that lights up my spirit, I am eternally grateful and able to keep on hoping. Go Team Me!

I know I have the strength to overcome adversity, even though it's sometimes hard to find. I really hope I'll be able to hold on to it. I can't let my "can't"s win. Reality is a bitch. But every bitch has a soft spot somewhere. I'm about to get all up in that. I guess it's just harder when you aren't sure what exactly you're up against.

Listening:
Wanted You More - Lady Antebellum
Numb - Alanis Morisette

Mood:
Kicking ass whilst taking periodic naps.

Thursday
Mar072013

Danger!

I've had a strange new year. While I had planned to jump to action quickly and with tenacious determination, I ended up bringing in the new year like a weak fart. And I'm not particularly a fan of flatulence. I had a flare up of my disease. I should have seen it coming as I ran myself insane trying to get Christmas together for my son and the rest of my family, but I thought this time I was going to be "stronger," as if I could will myself into some sort of Thor-like state of physical power and control. Not so much. But I have learned a few things about myself through this:

1) I AM strong. I have the mental acuity to talk myself through disaster. While I was mostly immobile, drugged up (the legal kind), and in the nearly constant presence of my mother, I neither died nor killed anyone. That's damn near a miracle.

2) I'll never be perfect. Eh, everyone else probably already knew this. I'm just figuring it out. I mean, I'm just now allowing myself to accept this truth. But even though I sometimes feel as though I'm "behind in life," I'm not as old as I feel, I'm not as stupid as I fear, and I've got plenty of time and mistakes left to make, but I have enough wisdom not to fuck absolutely everything up. Everything's gonna be fine.

3) I have choices. My family is kind of ridiculous, and I have the right to choose, um, irridiculousness? Yeah, I made up that word.

4) I shouldn't be scared or envious. There is enough love and happiness and success in the world for everyone to have a piece. Through self-examination and considering the differences between the person I am and the person I want to be, I can see a little more of the "big picture," as they say. I want to become more of a cheerleader for others and less of a selfish machine.

5) I am more open-minded and wisdomous (a Joey word from "Friends") than I thought. Everyone is a little naive for a little while. Experience and understanding is a choice.

So while 2013 started out as a dangerous and slippery and even disappointing miniature journey for me, I feel like I am right where I need to be. I feel calm, at least for the moment. This must be what they call "peace of mind." I have always felt like I had a group of tiny maniacs running through my head, panicking and shouting conflicting directions, like a high-rise on fire. I have had to learn, and continue to learn, that I only have to figure out which of the shouting voices is really mine. My mother's and father's voices, the heroin-chic models sending messages from behind images in all my magazines, my Facebook friends who post photos of themselves in their mini-mansions, the local gals who believe that either Jesus or deer-hunting season rules all, none of these things can influence me if I don't want them to. So the dangerous place I thought I was living in was just temporary. I chose to learn instead of fester. I'm proud of myself for that choice. The other option would have been easier. Maybe I really am a grown-up.

Thanks for reading.


Listening to:
Mystikal - "Danger"
Churchill - "Change"

Mood:
I'm so buying a Mac after this heart attack Windows just gave me.

Friday
Jan042013

Feeling Good

"It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good."

This new year, I have big plans. I think 2013 will be fantastic. I hope your year is fantastic too... unless you're a dick. In that case, please stop being a dick in 2013. Cheers!

Monday
Dec032012

The Motto...

I've had this blog for a while. A long while. I've made and deleted a few posts because they just didn't feel right, but now I realize that I'm just out of practice & I'll eventually get the hang of blogging again. 

I don't mind saying that I am now in therapy (my therapist would probably tell me to keep that private, but I think other people should know about the fantastic health benefits of it all), and while it wasn't really necessary for me to "enroll" or whatever you call it, I can say it's the best thing I've done for myself in a while. The clarity I've gained is well worth the time and money. I needed this clarity in order to build a life. 

I'm starting my new year now, a month ahead of time, because I'm tired of waiting. I don't know if that makes sense, really, but I know what I mean. I've done a lot of waiting. My attitude and plans have changed, or rather, they've begun to form on their own without my consent. And let's face it, I only fuck things up when I try to control them too tightly. I think exciting things are going to happen... after I put in some revived effort and trust myself a little more.  

I feel pretty good. There are bad days, but I feel really hopeful. I feel confident. I even cussed out another parent in the drop-off line at my kid's school today... I am finally regrowing my balls: I mean, I was mumbling mean things from the inside of my locked car, but whatever. 

DirtyFlowerGirl is back. Watch your ass, world!

Listening to:
Drake: The Motto
Bob Marley: Three Little Birds

Mood:
Sha-zam! YOLO!

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